Ah, another season of the "national pastime" has dawned. My friends, baseball is back. There's nothing I love more than spending four hours watching one of 162 games. My favorite part is when the pitcher throws the ball, and then the batter doesn't hit it, so he steps outside the batters box, checks his bat, readjusts his feet, then steps back in the box 30 seconds later. Thrilling stuff.
Okay, so the sport isn't exactly as thrilling as it was back in the days of Slammin' Sammy Sosa and the Bash Brothers. Buzz about the sport is positively flaccid. So what needs to be done to bring the young people back? We hipsters at the Cereal have a few ideas. Very few of them involve hashtags, and a great deal of them involve violence.
-Make every player on the field a pitcher. It's not hard to hit one ball, but nine balls all at one time? That takes real skill, and also a lot of ice packs for when the batter doesn't hit all nine balls. I said this would make the game more entertaining, not safer.
-Players have to drink a beer every time they get a hit. Also every time they get on base. And every time they strike out. Basically turn baseball into 16" softball leagues, at least when it comes to the consumption of beer.
-Dress up the players in football gear, and swap out the baseball for a football. The fans will be none the wiser. Especially after all that beer. Yes, the fans have to drink too. Come on, don't be lame. It's a total buzzkill.
-Instead of dirt and turf making up the playing field, have it be a sheet of glass covering a giant shark tank. Or rather, a giant shark tank full of giant sharks. Sorry, just wanted to clarify. Players should be careful about diving for a catch, or else they might break the glass and fall into the tank. Why am I turning baseball into a dystopian life-or-death trial of survival? Because I care about this damn game!
-Instead of the same old boring button-up shirts and long pants as uniforms, how about tank tops and short-shorts? These players spend all off-season getting in shape, and now they have to cover up their bodies? They should be proud to show off those horse thighs! Those buff biceps! Those succulent lips WAIT I MEAN-
-Want more fan interaction? How about making a fan a designated hitter in every game. Who wouldn't want to see some loudmouthed fan step up to the plate and try to hit a 90 mph fastball? Or better yet, actually manage to hit a home run? Now that's a real... field of dreams. BOOOO! BOOOOO! I'M BOOING MY OWN PUN BOOOO!
-Steroids for everyone. Not just the regular HGH stuff, either. I'm talking the kind of stuff they give elephants in the army. Oh, you didn't know? The army has elephants, now. How do you think our country remains so safe from foreign terrorists? ISIS takes one step over our border, and they get stomped on by ol' Killer Dumbo over there. Also, they can shoot lasers out of their tusks. Hey, that gives me another good idea for baseball...
-Lasers. I don't care if they come out of the bats, out of the gloves, or out of the hats, but lasers need to play a major part in the game. I'm tired of seeing movies set in "the future" where lasers come out of stuff. Where are our lasers, Mr. President?!
-Puppies as outfielders. Playing catch for hours is a dog's dream, and looking at puppies for hours is my dream. Those are dreams we're making come true. Forget about starving children in Africa, I'm improving baseball and the lives of puppies. There's only so much one white man can do!
-Entertainment between innings. You'd be surprised at how long it takes for the teams to swap between offense and defense. Sure, it's long enough to get a hot dog, pee in a cup, and get back to your seat, but there's still more waiting after that! Where are the t-shirt guns to save us from this misery? Or the dehumanized and gorgeous cheerleaders? For god's sake, someone throw a pie!
-Live mics on every player. This is actually something I'd like to see implemented in all sports. Imagine being able to select any player you were watching, and hear everything they said during the game! All the cuss words, the homophobic insults, the light conversations with batting coaches; all of it completely audible to everyone. Also, imagine how catty everyone is! You get to hear all the gossip about who's fat, who nobody likes, who's the biggest slut, etc. Remember: everything in life is just like high school, for better or worse.