SEC Teams as Beers

South Carolina: Newcastle Ale
Ah, Newcastle. I used to love you so much. Perhaps I still do. But two incidents involving Newcastle have left me shaken. One incident had me drinking allegedly fresh Newcastle, only to discover every bottle was skunky as all hell. Another resulted in me splitting three pitchers of it with another friend, and driving home drunk for the first time. So basically, things happen when I drink Newcastle. Things... happen.

Alabama: Blue Moon
Did you know Blue Moon is the most popular beer in sixteen states? Really, in some states it's consumed as frequently as any Bud Light. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, since it is a very tasty beer. Similarly, I shouldn't be surprised that Alabama is as popular as they are. When I think of Alabama, I think of the evil empire, but I also see what all the Bama fans see: a great coach, a winning program, proven success, and a large group of die-hard fans that, if I was a fan, would likely welcome me with open arms. Blue Moon is a delicious beer, goes great with a slice of orange, and makes you feel classier for drinking it than if you were drinking some common light beer. I respect you Alabama, and I drink you, Blue Moon.

Arkansas: Sierra Nevada Torpedo Double IPA
IPAs can be pretty intense on their own, and Double IPAs really bring up the hops. Even for IPA fans, like myself, these are not beers you can just chug on for all night. It's filling, the flavor is powerful, and to be honest, it's usually expensive. Arkansas is a lowercase-g good team. The Razorbacks run the ball pretty well, play decent defense, but ultimately, their passing game is beyond broken. They're a hard team to watch for a long time, and they drain teams with their sluggish pace, even if it has been a sound strategy for them. Thanks for the offer Arkansas, but I'm going to go for something lighter tonight.

Auburn: Sierra Nevada Pale Ale
Ah, now we're getting somewhere. I personally love Sierra Nevada's pale ale because it has the hops in it, which means bold flavor, but it's highly drinkable. I can put away these guys with ease, and it's not too filling. Granted, it's an IPA, so I'm not always in the mood for one, but it's a very fine beer. Unlike Arkansas, Auburn has a far more exciting run game, and can actually pass the ball quite a bit. I could chug down Auburn football like it's dadgum milk.

Florida: Old Milwaukee
There was a time, decades ago, when Old Milwaukee was the cheap beer of choice. You drank it, your dad drank it, the cool kids drank it, the vagrants drank it, everybody drank it. It was THE cheap beer. Then Miller Lite and Bud Light came along, and started the whole low-calorie beer thing. Old Milwaukee faded to obscurity, still in some stores, but with a presence far weaker than what it once was. Florida was once the team of champions, with a proud tradition and phenomenal players coming out of the school. Now? Now they've got Will Muschamp.

Georgia: Heineken
Who drinks Heineken? I don't understand the appeal of this beer. It tastes like sour cleaning fluid, and I have to say, I've never seen anybody enjoy one. Yeah sure, the green bottle is neat, but seriously, there's so many other, better options. This brings me to my question: why Mark Richt? Mark Richt is making Georgia into Heineken: a team that wins a good amount of games each season, but with no major success to speak of. Heineken, for however inexplicably popular or well-known it is, does not have national championship pedigree.

Kentucky: Natural Ice
Back in college, I had my fair share of Natural Lights. It was cheap, the piss taste was negligible, and again, it was cheap. But then I discovered Natural Ice, which is one percent higher in alcohol by volume. Now, I feel like this is a major revelation, but here I see people still drinking Natty Lights. Please, if you drink Natty Light, think about switching to Natty Ice. And give Kentucky football a chance. Mark Stoops clearly has something... interesting going on there. I'm not saying they're the future lord and masters of the SEC, but they could be a fun team to keep an eye on in the future.

LSU: Yuengling
I don't know how Les Miles does it, but he once again has LSU running like a well-oiled machine. The guy just knows how to create a winning team, no matter what players he has at his disposal. I don't know how our corporate masters can offer such a delicious beer like Yuengling at such a low price, but they do, and boy is it tasty.

Mississippi State: Rebel IPA
Who would've thought that Mississippi State would be at the top of the polls for this long? Are they really the best team in college football? I guess this weekend's game against Bama will answer that, but for now, they're on top. Sam Adams' Rebel IPA was a nice surprise, as well. I didn't know what to expect beyond the base level IPA, but this beer is good. It's almost like what I imagine the blueprint for a west coast IPA to be: Good flavor, no negative aftertaste, high drinkability. Mississippi State seems to have the blueprint for success as well, just like Florida State last year: awesome defense and a dual-threat quarterback that's a Heisman candidate. Boom, success.

Missouri: Miller Lite
On the outside, Missouri looks like a good program. The Tigers of the Other Columbia coming off one of their best seasons ever, and they always have cool uniforms. Miller Lite brought back their old school cans, and now have old school bottles as well. But on the inside, they're all twisted. Miller Lite's beer is fine for usual pisswater, but the sexist commercials featuring pretty white people show the heartless corporation they really are. Missouri has Maty Mauk, proof that they're actually a terrible team now. Don't believe the 7-2 record! IT'S FRAUDULENT!

Ole Miss: Coors
William Coors, the grandson of the founder of Coors Brewing Company, once stated at Denver's Minority Business Development Center seminar that "...ancestors were dragged here in chains against their will… I would urge those of you who feel that way to go back to where your ancestors came from, and you will find out that probably the greatest favor that anybody ever did you was to drag your ancestors over here in chains, and I mean it." He also remarked Africa's economic problems stemmed from "a lack of intellectual capacity." Sounds like an Ole Miss man to me!

Tennessee: Red Dog
Man, the 90s were a crazy time.

Texas A&M: Bell's Oberon
With the recent craft beer explosion, a lot of new beers are being found on taps across America. One of the biggest beneficiaries has been Bell's, who have two very successful craft beers in their Oberon and Two-Hearted. Texas A&M is no longer an afterthought, or compared as the little brother to Texas. They're their own team now, with a program of proven success, and a brand-name head coach that has, thus far, repeated success over multiple years. I know you're afraid to ditch your Budwesiers and Millers, but go outside the box for once. Give yourself to Texas A&M. They're really fun!

Vanderbilt: Pabst Blue Ribbon
The comeback for PBR is officially over. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's on its deathbed by any means, but the hipsters have moved on from reviving this old staple. Vanderbilt's days of being an up-and-coming team are over, and Derek Mason, along with his five quarterbacks, have led them safely back to the cellar. Never again shall any team worth its mustard fear a Vandy upset. Those days are long gone. Pour one out for the Commodores. Even Lionel Richie.