Now, we are down to one. I have studied Clemson all season long, investigating their roster, studying their tactics, and learning every trick of their stupid, gross trade. Finally, I can present my findings; a Future Opponent article dedicated to the Clemson Tigers. Or should I say, the Clemson Rye-gers. Like the bread. I don't care for rye bread. Though a slice with some salted butter on the side of a dish of ham and mashed potatoes ain't the least tastiest thing in the world. Man, that actually sounds good. Okay, Clemson is no longer the Rye-gers, because they don't deserve such a title of praise. Let's just get on with it.
Clemson 28, Georgia State 0
I bet every time Dabo Swinney gets a shutout win, he imagines himself as Jesus in that scene from The Last Temptation of Christ where he chases the money changers out of the temple. It's his total fantasy: he gets to be the son of God, and also break stuff and look like a badass. Neither will ever be true in real life.
Player to Watch: Jesus of Nazareth, The Last Temptation of Christ
Okay, this is pretty badass, even by Jesus' standards. Let's hope this Senior walk-on doesn't end up rising from the dead to haunt the Gamecocks defense.
Bonus Player to Watch: Donald Gennaro, the lawyer from Jurassic Park
It would have been too easy to use the video of him getting ripped off the toilet and eaten by a T-Rex, but I do feel such a scene could be re-enacted on Saturday. I feel like Cole Stoudt is a perfect candidate to get eaten by a dinosaur while taking a deuce. That's his life, alright.
Super Bonus Player to Watch: Wario
Clemson fans should be lucky that I'm paying them this much respect. I would've called them Waluigi, but Waluigi has never won anything in his life. Wario, on the other hand, has been a prominently featured character for decades, and has had several video games in his name. That's why beating Clemson is still so sweet; USC might have the five-game winning streak, but Clemson still holds the winning record overall. Only a matter of time before that changes.
Ultimo Ultra Bonus Player to Watch: Celebrity "Chef" Guy Fieri without any hair product
You know what? I think he looks a lot better without all that crazy crap on his face and head. I mean, he's at least palatable to look at, whereas normally he looks like a guy who really enjoys being known as a regular at the local Hooters. Yes, he stares directly at the women's breasts the whole time, but he also tips pretty well, and he never gets handsy. He might as well be christened a saint.
FINAL BOSS LEVEL PLAYER TO WATCH: Adam Humphries, Wide Receiver
Oh, hey buddy, how's it goin'? Saw you managed to hold on to the ball long enough to get a return touchdown this year. Way to go! That's just super. Did you buy a new pair of gloves or something? That's nice.
Okay, okay, sorry. It's not cool to make fun of a college player, I know. They're just amateur athletes, playing for no money, just trying to win and hopefully have a long career without any severely debilitating injuries. I'm sure Adam got plenty of death threats after last year's game, and I truly hope nothing severely bad happens to him on Saturday. There is, however, just one thing I want y'all to keep in mind, and it's very important...
People. Don't. Forget.