Bottom 10: Ranking the Worst Teams in College Football

1 - SMU
Much like in the years that followed the program's "death penalty", SMU barely looks like a football team. They're dead-last in college football in both per-game points for (seven) and points against (48). They've used four different quarterbacks, who have thrown for a combined three touchdowns and nine interceptions. If this team was an actual Mustang, it would be dying of skin cancer which, according to Wikipedia, is the most common form of cancer found in horses. So at least this crappy SMU team made me learn something.

2 - Georgia State
GSU is a particularly offensive school because they get to play in the Georgia Dome, which is hilariously oversized for both their tiny fanbase and their limited aspirations. I mean, the program has only been around for a couple years, and you're going to force these Division II-level kids to play in front of gobs of empty stands? That's just cruel. You're making them feel like losers, and that's going to make them play like losers.

3 - Kent State
The first time I ever heard of Kent State was, of course, in relation to the shootings back in 1970. The second time I ever heard of Kent State, however, was when I played NCAA College Football 2K2, featuring Drew Brees on the cover. The Golden Flashes had the worst overall rating in the game, at a pitiful 54. I'm almost positive that rating has not changed in the past thirteen years.

4 - Troy
There are few sins greater in college football than having both a terrible team and being incredibly boring with no identity. Has Troy ever done anything noteworthy in their entire history of playing college football? The answer is no. They've been in the FBS since 2001, and their record is an average 78-72. They're not even memorably awful!

5 - Idaho
I really wish Idaho was better, primarily because they have one of the best nicknames in all of sports: the Vandals. How cool is that?! Too cool for the state of Idaho, that's a given. Idaho's losing ways are magnified by the fact that they haven't played anybody good. All of their non-conference opponents are either from the MAC or the MWC, and it doesn't appear any of the teams they have or will face are going to be ranked this year. The best team they've faced? The 7-2 masters of the triple option and Sun Belt kings themselves, Georgia Southern.

6 - Tulsa
Tulsa, also known as the Tulane of the west (primarily because they both begin with Tul-), are a team that isn't so much bad as they are not good enough. They're 18th in the nation in passing yards, and their quarterback has thrown 14 touchdowns this season. Unfortunately, they're also 122nd in points allowed and have a 1-7 record, so maybe going toe-to-toe with teams in a shootout isn't the best idea. The good news is they have an awesome nickname, the Golden Hurricane. Singular, like the whole team comprises the aforementioned Golden Hurricane. They're like a Megazord or a Voltron of a team!

7 - Eastern Michigan
Eastern Michigan is a team with no future, and to be honest, no past. When the history books look upon the teams that populated the college football landscape and contributed to the canon, Eastern Michigan will be skipped over, because they will not be in any history book. They're never going to be a team that surprises us by being good. Their entire history to this point has been filled with lost games, and their future looks no brighter. Eastern Michigan is a nothing school, and that's how it shall forever be.

8 - Miami (OH)
When I went to school at Bowling Green State, football games were attended as an excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday (thanks, MAC television deal!). Hockey games, though, were taken very seriously. The fans did stupid coordinated chants, they stayed on their feet until BGSU scored their first goal, and were generally very enthusiastic about the team. Toledo was our football rival, but Miami of Ohio was our hockey rival. I guess what I'm trying to say is I wish I ate more hot dogs at school sporting events.

9 - Massachusetts
For chrissakes, they lost to Vanderbilt. You know who else lost to Vandy? Charleston Southern. UMass sounds like it should be a school fulla nerds, not some kinda wannabe frat school with good athletics. Except for lacrosse. UMass would totally have a good lacrosse team, complete with rich white kids who take a bunch of party drugs, disrespect women's boundaries, and belong to the frat with a sketchy basement.

10 (Honorary FCS Mention) - Nicholls State
Ah, the only college football team in the nation with an 0-10 record. It's actually quite impressive, if you ask me. That takes time and dedication to being awful, and a real level of focus. You have to care a lot about being a crappy football team if you've reached this plateau first. Well done Nicholls State. You're terrible.