Late Score Predictions for Week One of College Football

Winners in bold

Florida Atlantic at #22 Nebraska

This game was scheduled back when Carl Pellini was still the head coach at FAU. Then he resigned after allegations of cocaine and marijuana use, so now the Cornhuskers are just gonna whoop some Owl hide. I still expect a teary-eyed reunion in Lincoln, as Carl emerges from a cornfield to play a game of catch with his estranged brother, á la Field of Dreams. The game will be interrupted at some point by a homeless Eric Crouch, attempting to exchange an autographed copy of NCAA College Football 2K3 for a dimebag.

South Dakota State at #24 Missouri

SDSU have been overshadowed by their surging big brother, North Dakota State University. NDSU even got to host the College Gamedaycrew. SDSU has only hosted an episode of Campus P.D. that showcased on-campus meth labs.

West Virginia at #2 Alabama

A lot has been made about whether or not Alabama deserved to be ranked second in preseason polls. There has been even more debate as to who will get the majority of snaps for the Crimson Tide, but the biggest debate is in regards to when Lane Kiffen will quit for no reason. I have November 1st in the office pool.

What do sharks have to do with Rice Owls football? I'm so confused.

Rice at #17 Notre Dame

I fully expect the entire Fighting Irish squad to be suspended indefinitely before kickoff, resulting in the entire team being replaced with anybody who thought Notre Dame would beat Alabama in the 2012 National Championship game. Also Lou Holtz.

UC Davis at #11 Stanford

Quarterback Kevin Hogan is back for his redshirt junior season, which means I get to call the Stanford offense "Hogan's Heroes". Oh man, I hope UC Davis head coach Ron Gould runs on the field with a monocle and yells "Hogaaaaaaaan!" What's that? You say it's a 43-year old show and nobody gets that reference? Good.

Large and in charge!

Arkansas at #6 Auburn

Everybody knows Bret Bielema likes his trick plays. Rumor has it his latest invention will involve the following: stilts, a triple-reverse, a bevy of showgirls, a VHS copy of Showgirls, a honey-baked ham, a tricycle, a jar of thumbtacks, and a piece of paper that says "Do you like me? Yes No Maybe". It will result in a fumble recovered by Auburn en route to a 78-12 victory. Nick Marshall will have all the touchdowns. ALL OF THEM.

#16 Clemson at #12 Georgia 

If I had to come up with a humorous image for this, it would be a picture of a bulldog puppy peeing on an orange crewneck sweater. Now THAT'S comedy.

Liberty at #23 North Carolina

Since North Carolina is ranked 23rd, I think this means Michael Jordan, the greatest 23 of all time, will return to North Carolina, and insert himself as head coach, quarterback, band conductor, and captain of the cheerleading team, all while smoking a cigar and losing 500 grand in gambling.

Louisiana Tech at #4 Oklahoma

The Sooners are too distracted getting autographs from LTU grad Phil Robertson, of Duck Dynasty fame, and forget to play the game. Trevor Knight's campaign to be called "The White Knight" is deemed racist, and he is kicked off the team.

Stephen F. Austin at #20 Kansas State

Do you even know who Stephen F. Austin was? He was the man who led Texas to independence from Mexico, and established the Republic of Texas. Kansas State Head Coach Bill Snyder was alive back then, he could tell ya all about it. He won't, though. He doesn't like you very much.

What do you mean you don't believe me?! Aw heck.

Fresno State at #15 Southern California

I really hope the other USC busts out of the tunnel, breaking through a giant banner that reads SANCTIONS, followed by Steve Sarkisian jumping into a pool and breaking all of his ribs. Fresno State lost their main source of offense in Derrick Carr, but little did we know they have a secret weapon: a THIRD Carr brother, Dijon Carr! He will throw five interceptions, but also for 630 yards.

#1 Florida State at Oklahoma State

Look, Stone Cold Steve Austin himself picked Oklahoma State to win, and as we all know, that's the bottom line. 'CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SOOOOOO. Fun fact: this game is taking place in AT&T Stadium, so I'm hoping we see Jerry Jones eat a Stone Cold Stunner as Austin climbs to the top of the giant video screen and drink a bunch of Steveweisers. GIMME A HELL YEAH!

#14 Wisconsin at #13 LSU

Wisconsin will likely try to play B1G-style football, which means the score will be 13-14 and I'll be asleep by the halftime. But hey, former Gamecock Tanner McEvoy will be starting at quarterback for Wisconsin after playing safety for them. Finally, in his junior season, the young man from New Jersey achieves his goal of being starting quarterback for a major program. Good for you, Tanner.

South Dakota at #3 Oregon

Gamblers take note: South Dakota are +99999 to win this game. Either that, or whomever posted the odds at didn't even bother to try. Marcus Mariota will rush and pass for 1000 yards total this game. Is there a slaughter rule in college football?

#25 Washington at Hawai'i

Brah, the Huskies are in Hawai'i, and you expect them to play football? I expect them to bring some of that legal weed to the islands and party with some natrually-tan babes (and dudes, if there's any secretly gay Washington players). Freshman safety Budda Baker will take home the golden ukelele for catching the sickest wave. Shaka brah!