Jacksonville Jaguars: Blake Bortles
Woah woah woah, settle down. This isn't a criticism of Bortles, far from it. I'm actually trying to save Blake's life, here. He needs to get away from the pelican corpse-infested oil spill that is the Jacksonville Jaguars before it's too late. You get just a little bit on ya, and it'll stink you up for years and years. Actually, I propose just shutting down the Jaguars altogether, or moving them to Mexico City, like you can in Madden 15. Mexico City Jaguars sounds like a really badass roller derby team, and I am far more in favor of that than any football team in Jacksonville.
Kansas City Chiefs: Kansas City
Hey you know what's happening in Kansas City? Nothing. Or at least, nothing you care about. What's that? They have some kinda special style of BBQ? I don't care. Kansas City, not unlike Indianapolis, is mayonnaise on a single saltine. But at least Indianapolis won a Super Bowl, and they have the Pacers, Parks and Recreation (at least until next Tuesday) and a pretty good natural history museum, as I recall. I only went there once, in 1998, to see a Bruce Springsteen concert. Being eight years old, the incredibly loud music and the sight of old people dancing was terrifying, and made me cry.
Miami Dolphins: Cortland Finnegan
The guy looks like a black Pauly D. He is a truly unlikable dirty player. He's the late-80s Detroit Pistons. He's Ty Cobb. He's... I dunno, some hockey guy. Sergei Federov? Was he dirty? And is it spelled Sergei or Sergey? Oh, wait! Isn't Mike Richards a dirty player? Look, in hockey, everybody's a little bit dirty. A part of the game is to slam other skaters into the wall. They race around on razor sharp blades carrying long wooden sticks. Fighting is allowed in hockey! It's the dirtiest sport ever, and I love it.
Minnesota Vikings: Matt Cassel
Come on, they're never going to cut Adrian Peterson, regardless of whether or not they should (but they should). He knows where all the bones are buried. He basically is the franchise for crying out loud, you think he doesn't have dirt on Zygi Wilf? Besides, Cassel's starting to smell up the place. They're going to be wheeling in tubs of Febreze for weeks.
New England Patriots: Tom Brady
Well, what are you waiting for, Belichick? You got what you wanted out of him, didn't ya? You squeezed every last drop out of Tom Brady and his rapidly declining arm. He's no good to you anymore. But you know who is young, ripe, and full of talent? Oh Jimmy! Be a dear and fetch the tea, will you? Yes, little Jimmy Garoppolo. He's already wrapped around your finger, all you have to do is... oh right, Bill Belichick doesn't actually sustain himself on the blood of youths. I always get him mixed up with that one guy, what's his name? You know who I'm talking about, you went to high school with him! Ugh, I'm going to be thinking about this for hours, now.
New Orleans Saints: St. Vladimir (956-1015)
If I may quote from an article titled "The Worst Sinners who became Saints" on some Catholic site called "Our Sunday Visitor", I present a little background on St. Vladimir:
Vladimir became prince of Kiev by murdering his older brother. Then he raped his sister-in-law and added her to his harem of several hundred women. To consecrate a new temple to all the gods, he sacrificed a father and his son. When the emperor at Constantinople sought his help in putting down a rebellion, Vladimir demanded as his reward the emperor's sister as his wife (actually, the unhappy woman would be Vladimir's eighth wife). The emperor countered that Vladimir must convert to Christianity. Everyone suspected that once he was back in Kiev, Vladimir would return to his old ways, but the grace of baptism changed him. He dismissed his extra wives and his harem, tore down the pagan temple, and launched a vigorous campaign to convert his people. The faith his grandmother planted flourished under Vladimir.
Woah, just because he gets baptized and becomes a Catholic all of a sudden he's a nice guy? Also, nobody is mad at him about the stuff he previously did? I gotta get on this "born again" train, it'll save me tons on legal fees.
New York Giants: Tom Coughlin
To quote Bret "The Hitman" Hart, "Ew! This place has got old man stink!" The old man in question is Tom Coughlin, and it's time to get rid of that smell. He won two titles with the team, but if his old, weathered face gets any redder, it's going to look like a baboon's butt. Have you ever seen a real one? It's not all perfectly round like it is in cartoons, oh no. Their butts are super saggy and wrinkly, and like a disgusting shade of red. Granted, almost any shade of red isn't great on a monkey (ape?) ass, but all things considered, they could've gone for something less... visceral.
New York Jets: Geno Smith
One of the unfortunate realities of living in the middle of pro sports nowhere is that you cherish nationally-televised games. That means a lot of New York teams, and that means a lot of New York Jets. When will networks learn that people don't care about the teams from the big cities, they care about good teams! The Jets are not good, and Geno Smith is not a good quarterback, and I know you've seen the evidence, because we're both football-loving Americans who can't say no to any football on TV. You've seen Geno Smith. Now tell me I'm wrong.
Oakland Raiders: The Ghost of Al Davis
WHO YA GONNA CALL?!
Philadelphia Eagles: Mark Sanchez
Just for the fun of it. I'm sorry, Mark Sanchez, you really do deserve better, but it's hard to feel bad for you when I know you're still making millions of dollars. Like, I'd take that trade-off. Would I mind getting humiliated on a somewhat regular basis and sacked constantly, while being incredibly handsome, paid millions of dollars, and play quarterback in the NFL? I don't think I'd mind in the slightest. So cut him and sign me, how about that?