In case you haven't noticed, all 32 NFL teams looked at the calendar this past week, and realized they weren't drinking enough laundry detergent or huffing enough glue. After they had successfully caught up, us fans were treated to a bevy of bizarre, fun, and sometimes smart personnel moves. Nick Foles for Sam Bradford straight up? Sounds good! Kiko Alonso for LeSean McCoy? Make it happen! Jimmy Graham for Max Unger? I don't know who that other guy is, but let's roll the dice! Throw in the Texans signing Brian Hoyer, the Jets bringing back Darrelle Revis, Frank Gore going to the Colts, and teams playing hot potato with wide receivers, and real life is now officially imitating a bad Madden franchise play-through. Want to better expect the unexpected? Read on, loyal cereal-muncher.
Green Bay signs Casey Matthews
I once had a friend who lived down the street from Brian Urlacher. While trick-or-treating one year, my friend visited the Urlacher residence, and who should answer the door, but Brian's fullback brother, and NFL wannabe, Casey! Casey was living with Brian in his mansion after getting cut from the Bears during the preseason, but it further drives home the point that if your brother or sister is an extremely talented professional athlete, just follow their footsteps, regardless of how talented you are. At the very least, you'll end up like either one of these Caseys: living in your brother's mansion after having a bad-to-mediocre career. Good luck Casey. I hope Clay's guest room has a TV in it.
Oakland signs Vince Wilfork
Vince Wilfork is a smart guy, and he knows that, after ten years in the league, his best days are behind him. So why not trick the Raiders into giving him a ludicrous 5-year, 100 million-dollar contract? The Raiders proved they'll sign anybody with a recognizable name for any amount of money. Maurice Jones-Drew, Justin Tuck, and Lamarr Woodley can all attest to that, and they can also prove how easy it is to collect a check while sitting on the couch with an "injury". Mark Davis is extremely gullible, and he's got the ginger bowl-cut to prove it.
Tampa Bay signs Michael Vick
I'm morbidly curious to see how this would turn out, especially when the Bucs draft Jameis Winston. Vick was clearly not a positive influence for Geno Smith on the Jets, and I can't imagine a better outcome, especially with soft-spoken Lovie Smith at the helm. Heck, there might be a chance that Vick actually regresses to a degree. He might start dog fighting all over again! There's something wrong in the head of that Winston boy, but I can't deny that his fellow players do seem to follow him quite easily. Oh jeez, what if it ends up that Vick becomes Winston's puppet, like how Jafar used his special king cobra staff to hypnotize the Sultan in Aladdin?! The Disney Illuminati strikes again!
Dallas Cowboys trade for Trent Richardson
I've never seen a team in my life so half-assedly attempt to resign the best running back in the league from the prior season. The Cowboys really don't want DeMarco Murray, and it doesn't make sense at all. I guess it makes sense if the Cowboys think they can land Adrian Peterson, but Murray actually played last season, is younger, and also didn't beat any children, which I feel is a major plus. Ultimately, I could see the Cowboys losing out on both running backs, and misguidedly trying to revitalize Richardson's career, almost the opposite of what happened with Rolando McClain. Big names on big teams rarely work, and they double rarely work when that team and that player are big for the wrong reasons.
Denver trades Peyton Manning for 365 pizzas
Would you rather have a year of Peyton Manning on your team, or a year of pizza? For me, it's no question: pizza. Pizza is far more reliable in January than Peyton Manning is, and it's more delicious. What's more satisfying, Peyton Manning throwing a touchdown pass, or eating pizza? These are not hard questions, folks, and I think the answer is clear. So why is this an awful roster move. Well, you're still trading away one of the five greatest quarterbacks of all time, so that's some bad karma. Also, who would start for the Broncos? Brock Osweiler? Some bum free agent like Jason Campbell? Super Bowl champion Tavaris Jackson? The options are not great when it comes to quarterbacks, but when it comes to pizza? So many delicious topping choices! Pizza over Peyton, a hundred times out of a hundred.