NFL Mock Draft Haikus

By Rixon Lane

The NFL Draft is tomorrow and every football nut in the world will have their eyes trained on Chicago to watch the madness unfold. 

Meanwhile, everyone with a keyboard is busy putting together their mock drafts, none of which will accurately predict how the event goes.

We believe both of these proceedings could use a little class.

Here is our NFL mock draft, with a haiku analysis of every pick.


No. 1 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State

As long as there are

no crablegs in Tampa Bay

this should go smoothly


No. 2 - Tennessee Titans - Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon

Nashville is almost

exactly like Hawaii

if you close your eyes


No. 3 - Jacksonville Jaguars - Dante Fowler, Jr., OLB, Florida

Edge rushers are fun

and Will Muschamp could sure use

things to smile about


No. 4 - Oakland Raiders - Amari Cooper, WR, Alabama

SEC wideouts

who have the last name "Cooper"

are good at catching


No. 5 - Washington Redskins - Vic Beasley, OLB, Clemson

Don't mention Clowney

Vic really doesn't like it

when people do that


No. 6 - New York Jets - Shane Ray, DE, Missouri

The Jets aren't going

to worry about silly

things like Mary Jane


No. 7 - Chicago Bears - Trae Waynes, CB, Michigan State

Let's all pour some out

for those poor suffering Bears

stuck with Jay Cutler


No. 8 - Atlanta Falcons - Bud Dupree, OLB, Kentucky

Gamecock fans you should

probably just skip this one

Lexington flashbacks


No. 9 - New York Giants - Danny Shelton, NT, Washington

Run-stuffing linemen

are typically very large

so they are Giants


No. 10 - Saint Louis Rams - Brandon Scherff, OG, Iowa

"Greatest Show On Turf"

isn't walking through that door

anytime soon folks


No. 11 - Minnesota Vikings - Kevin White, WR, West Virginia

Anything to make

those sad cold Minnesotans

forget Adrian


No. 12 - Cleveland Browns - Devante Parker, WR, Louisville

Doesn't matter how

sober Johnny Football is

needs folks to throw to


No. 13 - New Orleans Saints - La'el Collins, OT, LSU

Former Tiger will

know all the best places to

scarf down some gumbo


No. 14 - Miami Dolphins - Nelson Agholor, WR, USC

Ryan Tannehill

ould use a big season to

make Lauren happy


No. 15 - San Francisco 49ers - Arik Armstead, DT, Oregon

Concerns over the

inability to spell 

"Eric" are quite real


No. 16 - Houston Texans - Breshad Perriman, WR, Central Florida

Perimeter speed

that helped UCF defeat

Penn State in '13


No. 17 - San Diego Chargers - Todd Gurley, RB, Georgia

Knee injuries stink

but Gurley is a monster

and a first-rounder


No. 18 - Kansas City Chiefs - Cameron Erving, C, Florida State

Chiefs need a center

Andy Reid's center is round

everything connects


No. 19 - Cleveland Browns - Eddie Goldman, DT, Florida State

Hey everybody

if we can't all take Jameis

let's get his teammates


No. 20 - Philadelphia Eagles - Landon Collins, SS, Alabama

Chip Kelly should know

SEC players are good



No. 21 - Cincinnati Bengals - Dorial Green-Beckham, WR, Missouri

They wouldn't be the

Bengals without a couple

character risks, right?


No. 22 - Pittsburgh Steelers - Kevin Johnson, CB, Wake Forest

Steelers need corners

ohnson is one of the best

everybody wins


No. 23 - Detroit Lions - Malcom Brown, DT, Texas

The Longhorns aren't great

but Malcom Brown could replace

Ndamukong Suh


No. 24 - Arizona Cardinals - Randy Gregory, OLB, Nebraska

Nebraska player

reminds me of good ol' Bo

I miss Pelini


No. 25 - Carolina Panthers - Ereck Flowers, OT, Miami

A funky "Eric"

must be taken every ten

picks in this year's draft


No. 26 - Baltimore Ravens - Phillip Dorsett, WR, Miami

The U has got speed

The Ravens have Joe Flacco

Stop the violence please


No. 27 - Dallas Cowboys - Melvin Gordon, RB, Wisconsin

Jerry Jones wants stars

Melvin Gordon is a beast

Cowboys still won't win


No. 28 - Denver Broncos - T.J. Clemmings, OT, Pittsburgh

Peyton Manning can't

take many more hits before

his neck just explodes


No. 29 - Indianapolis Colts - Jake Fisher, OT, Oregon

Andrew Luck and his

really disgusting neckbeard

must be protected


No. 30 - Green Bay Packers - Jalen Collins, CB, LSU

As long as Green Bay

has number 12 on the team

they will be just fine


No. 31 - New Orleans - Jalen Strong, WR, Arizona State

Want your child to be

a first-round draft pick one day?

Name the kid "Jalen"


No. 32 - New England Patriots - Laken Tomlinson, OG, Duke

Those smart Duke players

will know how to deflate all

the footballs Bill wants