Carolina Panthers 27, Tennessee Titans 10
Oh man, you won't believe what Ryan Succop did yesterday! He only had one chance to kick a field goal and he nailed it! I bet he could've made a hundred field goals, no wait, TWO hundred! Gosh, Ryan Succop is so cool you guys.
Chicago Bears 37, St. Louis Rams 13
Wait, wait, wait, you're telling me Jay Cutler threw three touchdown passes, and none of them were to Alshon Jeffery? Furthermore, you're telling me Alshon only had three catches for oooonly 23 yards? Wow, that's surprising to hear. I'm glad you told me that. Thanks. Here's some information for you: Jared Cook had two catches for 35 yards, and no touchdowns. There, now we're even.
Cleveland Browns 9, Pittsburgh Steelers 30
Dallas Cowboys 6, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 10
Hey, the Buccaneers defense played pretty well! That's a nice change of pace for them. It would've been nicer if D.J. Swearinger had played, but not all of Jeff Tyner's dreams can come true.
Detroit Lions 18, Green Bay Packers 16
Wow, the Lions won at Lambeau for the first time since 1991! Surely Devin Taylor, the man who had three tackles and a sack in the Lions' previous games, played a major factor in shutting down the Green Bay offense, right? Nah. Taylor didn't get a single tackle. I guess that's what inspires headlines like "Devin Taylor working on his consistency". Y'know, because he's not consistent.
Jacksonville Jaguars 22, Baltimore Ravens 20
Is Jaguars guard A.J. Cann more of a pancakes guy or a waffles guy? Trick question: he's a french toast man.
Miami Dolphins 20, Philadelphia Eagles 19
New Orleans Saints 14, Washington Redskins 47
Cully in the house! Chris Culliver had three tackles in the ransacking of the Saints. It wasn't a perfect game, though, unlike Kirk Cousin's performance. Kirk friggin' Cousins threw four touchdowns and finished with a perfect passer rating, people. In the words of the man himself, "YOU LIKE THAT!"
Minnesota Vikings 30, Oakland Raiders 14
Terrence Newman may have had two interceptions, but Captain Munnerlyn did the dirty work, and he did it well. Munnerlyn led the team in tackles with eight, seven of which were solo efforts. There's sometimes a concern that a player who speaks with the media frequently won't back his words up with his play, but that hasn't been a concern for Munnerlyn all season. This has been a big comeback year for him, and he's playing some of the best football of his life.
Kansas City Chiefs 29, Denver Broncos 13
I'll leave the thoughts about Peyton Manning's benching to the poets and authors of ancient Greece and the ESPN talking heads, thank you very much. My words are for Darian Stewart, who was second on the team in tackles with six (five solo). Of course, when you see a safety with so many tackles, that usually means the cornerbacks aren't doing their job. Hence, Alex Smith actually had an okay game.
New England Patriots 27, New York Giants 26
Woah! I knew Jasper Brinkley had been coming on strong as of late, but this was a bona fide dominating performance, with 12 (TWELVE!) tackles, a forced fumble and a sack on gorgeous Tom Brady. It wasn't quite enough to stop the Pats, but the Giants came closer than any other team, and a big reason was because of Brinkley and the defense.
Arizona Cardinals 39, Seattle Seahawks 32