Well kids, it looks like the Gamecock Central team is set to spend a week in Birmingham this January covering the Gamecocks versus some godforsaken AAC team (not official, but it's very unfortunately looking that way). The American Athletic Conference, for those of you unaware, is basically full of teams too good for the Sun Belt, but not good enough for the ACC. East Carolina is in this conference, which I think sums it up nicely. The Birmingham Bowl used to be known as the PapaJohns.com Bowl, and later the BBVA Compass Bowl. Now there's no sponsor, so the mayor of Birmingham is basically blowing taxpayer money to see a mediocre SEC team (it's between USC and LSU) take on a team from a conference nobody wants to play in, much less watch on Saturdays. As always, though, it can be worse. Let's continue this week's theme of showing you just how worse it could be by giving you eight (fictional) bowls to show you how low this Gamecock team could've gone.
The KFC's Famous Bowls Bowl
The Winner Gets: a kiddie pool-sized version of the Famous Bowl; chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn, topped with both gravy and cheese, filled to the brim of a pool a child could drown in.
The Loser Gets: A t-shirt that says "I <3 KFC", made from 100% cotton that was picked from the plantation Colonel Sanders once owned.
The Snuggie® Bowl
The Winner Gets: A Snuggie emblazoned with characters from their favorite cartoon. They can either choose Spongebob Squarepants, Phineas and Ferb, or Adventure Time. I call dibs on an Adventure Time one!
The Loser Gets: A used Snuggie, which carries a 20% chance of having dried vomit on it. What kind of vomit? Who vomited on it? These are questions I cannot answer.
The San Diego Zoo Bowl
The Winner Gets: An elephant ride throughout downtown San Diego. Since every member of the team will be riding an elephant, it's strongly recommended you stay off the streets to avoid getting crushed. Also, maybe take public transportation.
The Loser Gets: A private screening of raw footage showing tusks getting cut out of an elephant's skull... for five hours. There is no intermission.
The Washington D.C. Bowl
The Winner Gets: An evening with D.C.'s hottest Congressional interns... and also a free day pass to any Smithsonian Museum. Yes, the Air and Space Museum is included.
The Loser Gets: 100 DVDs of C-SPAN's most boring moments. Why did they even make these?
The KitKat Bowl
The Winner Gets: A key to the secret stash where they keep all the fun-sized bars of KitKats, back when they were still wrapped in foil. Oh man, there was nothing better on a Halloween night than a plastic bowl fulla these babies.
The Loser Gets: A box full of those weird Japanese KitKats, with all the crazy disgusting flavors. "Sports Drink" KitKats? I literally have no idea what those would taste like, aside from god awful.
The Universal Studios in Orlando Bowl
The Winner Gets: The choice to go to Disney World instead of Universal Studios. Seriously, I'm not about to spend the day getting harassed by a guy in a Spider-Man suit. I'd much rather get hassled by a guy in a Mickey Mouse suit. Maybe that's just a personal preference.
The Loser Gets: Thrown into the killer whale tank at SeaWorld. Y'all seen Blackfish? Those guys are pissed off, and justifiably so. The losing team is sure to get eaten.
The Skol Vodka Bowl
The Winner Gets: A gallon-sized bottle of Skol vodka in a glass bottle instead of a plastic one. I didn't even know they made those!
The Loser Gets: To be the defense attorney for the next player accused of getting a girl drunk and trying to date rape her. Don't worry, the judge always lets these guys off, it's a piece of cake. Boys will be boys, am I right, society?
The eBay Bowl
The Winner Gets: Ooh, an unopened box of 1990 Topps Football cards! There could be an Emmitt Smith rookie card in there! Side note: I still have my Junior Seau rookie card from a box that I got from my uncle. May he rest in peace. Junior Seau, that is, not my uncle. My uncle's not dead.
The Loser Gets: The box to an Xbox One. Not the console, mind you, just the box. Be honest, how many times did your grandma get tricked into buying you something that was just a box to a cool thing? eBay auctioneers have no life, remember that.